2022-07-01
It’s 2.30 AM in the morning, been trying to sleep for the last few hours, futile. So might as well spend my time jotting down my thoughts rather than rebelling against my circadian rhythm. Since I can’t sleep, I turned on my PC and start shuffling my Spotify playlist.
Welp, Frank Ocean’s song — Lost — popped up. Such a bop, I was headbanging to the beat throughout the entire song, till I searched the lyrics. Fuck — was the first thing that comes to my mind. The backstory behind the lyrics was not cool — like the beat — at all; on the contrary, it’s so fucking sad. It tells a story about a girl that hooked up on a “dark” life. Her lover believed that she will eventually live a “normal” life, but to reach that kind of life, she must promise to stop and make it the last time ever, which led to another last time.
Oh, I just realized that the backstory kinda fit mine, in a different situation, of course. I always feel like shit, and whenever I promised to stop feeling this way, it just never stops. I don’t even know why, it’s just a natural reaction — a system inside my body.
Maybe it’s because of the music I’ve been listening to? the books I had read? The games I’ve played? It just makes zero sense, nothing helps anymore, not even the gym. Even tho I felt like a damn anime character while flexing in the mirror, this little feeling of sadness is sometimes still there, lying in the deepest part of myself. Should’ve learned that you cannot outlift depression.
I know, I know, in order to stop feeling like this, I must acknowledge my feelings. I should know that it’s totally okay to feel this way. The thing is, whenever the feeling is there, I just can’t help it. Sure, in the end, it will eventually disappear into thin air. But I’ve gone way too far deep — I’m lost.
3.16 AM, time to sleep, I guess.